Nothing is more alienating than being somewhere full of people and realising, perhaps mid-conversation, that what they talk about belongs to a totally different plan of existence than the one in which you exist – Omar Cherif

WHEN YOU DON’T FIT IN

I’e always loved the expression of being a square peg in a round hole. It’s a perfect statement. So this article is for all of those who don’t feel like they fit in sometimes.

Here’s the good news; fitting in isn’t mandatory or beneficial when you’re in the wrong tribe.

I have kind of gone through a transformation lately in my life, where I am starting to notice that I have been trying to mold myself around others that I shouldn’t be. I’ve wasted a good day with bad emotions and feelings because of outside voices and opinions and time spent.

I have family members that I have only recently started to see as just family and not as friends. We will always be family, but when it comes to choosing who to spend my time with, they aren’t near the top of the list anymore.

I still love them with all my heart, but I just don’t mesh with them anymore. It took a lot of self-evaluation before realizing how much I was exhausted seeking their approval. Before spending time with them, I would be rehearsing things I was going to say. Who does that? Why am I doing that?

I took inventory and noted that when I would be going to hang out with my best friend, I never have to “prepare for the visit”, it just comes naturally. We have a flow together. We genuinely enjoy one another’s company. We know one another deeply to know exactly what to say, when to say, and how to say it.

Now I don’t blame my family members for this outcome, they probably don’t even think about it. I’ve had a complex with them my whole life. It goes back to childhood. You might have found yourself trying to break into a new group of friends the same way I did growing up.

In our school years, there was a lot of tribalism. A bunch of cliques and cliches. You’ve seen them in every high school film. You have the jocks, the popular kids, the nerds, the mathletes, the goths etc. We cheered for the Seth Cohen’s of the world to break into the so-called “cool kids’ club.”

Our college years are usually labeled as the years when we get to reinvent ourselves. It’s sad, really, because we already know who we are deep down. It shouldn’t be the time to reinvent ourselves, it should be the time to own ourselves.

In fact, if we just didn’t care about external forces, wouldn’t we all be happier?

YOU WILL FIND YOUR TRIBE

I am a band geek, I just never joined the band – Jim Levenstein, American Pie 2

One of the most impactful coming of age films in my life was American Pie. Yes, as a young boy going through puberty, the American Pie films were just a way for me to see boobs and learn about sex. However, at its core it was a film franchise with a lot of heart.

In the second film, the character Jim has to ask the band geek Michelle (whom he lost his virginity to in the first movie) to pretend to be his girlfriend to put off sleeping with the lusty Nadia due to an unfortunate downstairs injury. While they were pretending, Jim and Michelle actually fell in love. The quote listed above was Jim noticing he never embraced his true self before.

That’s what life is all about. You don’t need to try and fit in somewhere you don’t. You will find your people. Your community. Your tribe. If you stay true to who you are and present yourself that way, you will find your people.

Maybe you love to paint, but you never embraced your love of the art because the people you hang out with look down upon it. So instead of doing something you enjoy, you find yourself at another fashion show bored out of your tree.

Maybe you are a mechanic who loves romantic comedies, but your fellow grease monkeys would ridicule you for wanting to check out the new Sandra Bullock film, so you never go see it. Instead you’re rolling your eyes at the 14th film in the Fast and Furious franchise.

I’ve been there. My sister and I were very close and she made me watch the Twilight movies. I enjoyed them. I even wrote a song name dropping Edward Cullen. As soon as my friends heard about that, I was bullied because of it. So instead of getting excited about the next film to come out, I acted like I didn’t care.

I’m a very unique person. I have many qualities and traits that could put me in a lot of boxes.

Some may see me as a jock. I’m athletic. I’m a hockey fanatic. I play pickleball, squash, softball, basketball and I love running and working out.

Some may see me as a nerd. I love to read books. I’m fascinated by psychology. I love quotes. I am a music snob. I love critically acclaimed films.

I’m a big kid at heart. Since I quit drinking alcohol, I do not enjoy just sitting around and doing nothing.

I’ve been to a few bachelor parties in my time, and that’s always a big dick-swinging match. A bunch of dudes thrown together because of one mutual friend. That kind of interaction used to give me intense anxiety. I wanted to be able to level up, so I wouldn’t be my true self. I was worried I wouldn’t be liked as much. Now I don’t care.

If a bachelor party is promising that a bunch of guys are gonna sit around doing nothing and drinking beer, I’d rather be at a bachelorette party playing fun party games.

If somebody doesn’t like me, why should I care? They aren’t members of my tribe. They are not worth my time and effort.

So to everyone out there, think about the people you spend time with. If you find yourself seeking approval, you need to stop. They are not worth it.

If you find yourself anxious before hanging out with somebody, they are not the people you should be hanging out with.

There are just as many square pegs for you to fit in as there are round holes to not fit in.