NOTE: This is a continuation of a three-part series. Click here to read part one and here to read part two.

Early on in the “divorce negotiations”, my ex and I were actually quite civil. I felt a little more free. I felt like I could finally do whatever I wanted for the first time in years. But the first course of action I wanted to accomplish was to get laid.

I figured, she didn’t wait til we even agreed to split up to sleep with someone else, so I kind of wanted my own revenge. My ex and I also kept our split secret from her family until after Christmas.

Now being single again at 30, I decided to approach this time with enjoying being single. I embraced a bachelor lifestyle, but I didn’t really know what I was going to do with my life. I actually was able to move on pretty quickly. All I was looking for was sex, and once I got that, I felt so confident that this divorce was the best thing to ever happen to me.

My ex and I were still living in the same house together. I moved back downstairs, and kept my job. I’d work all week to get to Friday where I would get to go to my Dad’s, hook up with my situationship, and hang out with my friends. It was awesome.

I surprisingly didn’t have any animosity with my ex, and I decided when we told her parents about our split, that I wouldn’t rat her out for cheating. In fact, I could’ve ruined her entire life and career with that knowledge. I was happy to move on once I got past the stigma of being divorced at 30 and only after one year of marriage.

I finally got my “fuck you” moment, and it only came after she kind of forced my hand. She did a photo shoot in a bed sheet and posted an Instagram with the caption “I know you think about me when you kiss her.” I can’t confirm her intent, and it is circumstantial at best, but it sure seemed to me like the timing of this post, and the report about our marriage ending, would sure paint a picture that puts me as the culprit in infidelity. My cousin (basically surrogate sister) almost outed her on that post. I told her to take the high road, because I knew I had reason to spit some fire back at her.

Comically, the look on her face when I told her I slept with someone else and I’m heading to see her right now was so satisfying. How dare she even have the right to feel upset.

We split our lives pretty evenly. I traded the equity I had in our house straight up and we took my name off the mortgage. I took the car, she got the truck. The only piece of furniture I got to keep was the TV. I moved back in with my Dad, commuting 90 minutes each way to work until I found out where I was gonna go next.

My cousins, whom I consider brothers (we are double first cousins, and click that link to understand what that is), both lived in Edmonton so I decided I wanted to live closer to them. The oldest of them offered me a room to stay with them, rent free, while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I will always be grateful for that offer. Him and I have hit some rough spots in our lives with each other, but I would still do anything for him.

While I lived there, he worked out of town quite often, so I kind of became his understudy at the house with his two young daughters. I grew really close with his now wife bonding over our love of Friends.

I took a couple different jobs over the next six months to pay bills and began trying to reinvent myself. Despite the fact that the house I was living in was basically sober, I was drinking a lot again. Life started to feel meaningless and that’s when I decided I wanted to try and start a self-development company. I discussed this in a previous article titled “Just Start“.

The biggest reason it didn’t work then, was that I wasn’t really practicing what I was preaching. I was starting to feel more and more depressed.

My father would have a heart attack and require triple bypass surgery around the time that I was considering moving back home and trying to start life over again. The day he had his surgery I was terrified. He was calm as a cucumber, but I was feeling a huge pit in my stomach. It felt like I was a disappointment to another parent once again right before they passed away.

Thankfully, he pulled through, and I made the decision to move back home and take care of him. I took out half of my RRSP due to financial hardship so I could stay afloat financially. He couldn’t do much and had to rest, so he needed somebody to take care of him for a couple months.

It was perfect for me at the time. I figured I could work on music and buy some more time before I started putting the pieces back together.

The unfortunate part of not having a job to go to every day was the lack of purpose. I didn’t want to just go back to a regular job, I wanted to play music full time. Unfortunately, that wasn’t in the cards for me. I fell into a deeper and darker depression once again.

I still have audio on my phone of me expressing my depressive thoughts during one of those long cold nights. I keep it to remind myself how dark I can get. It’s hard to listen back to.

The biggest theme was how I was telling myself that I was unlovable. Not good enough. A burden on the world. I often thought about what my funeral would look like. I could hear some of the things people would say about me. In fact, I finally got myself to smile because I thought at least my funeral would be a day that people would finally understand what was going on in my head.

I dug myself out of that hole by riding my bicycle. I started what I dubbed “The EB Bike Challenge” where I would challenge myself to ride my bike a little further every day for seven days straight.

I eventually got a job at a mill in Grande Prairie, and with it, I did something for the first time in my life; I got my own place. No roommates. No parents. No spouse. Just me. A small two-bedroom apartment, but it was my safe place. I decided what was hung on the walls. I decided how the rooms looked. Nobody could get in without my permission. Mine.

Over the two years I lived in that apartment, I completely reinvented myself. I loved my freedom. I worked out A LOT. I was running a 5K almost every single day. I was getting laid A LOT. I realized I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, and I found out that there was no shame in being honest about what kind of relationships I wanted to have. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel shame for wanting meaningless sex. I have to give credit to DSO, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller and Dr. Robert Glover. Their works Now What, Mate, and No More Mr. Nice Guy completley shaped me into a strong masculine sexual being.

I mean this with all my might, for young men, I can’t recommend Mate enough. While it may seem “bro-centric”, it’s not the garbage that guys like Andrew Tate are spewing out, it’s a comprehensive look at sex and relationships and how to properly get the kind of relationship you want. No gimmicks, no games, no manipulation.

During this time period, I also got a call from a music man named Dave Milner, who had judged a singing competition I entered, and he asked me to join his band Great Northern Railway. I was basically living the dream. So much so that, I quit my good-paying job to take a menial job so I could focus more on music.

Eventually, all of the good feelings stopped working. Meaningless sex became a coping mechanism to me. The menial job made me feel like a failure. Music was the only thing that kept me feeling alive, but those gigs were few and far between.

I still wanted to have a family. I still wanted to fall in love. I still wanted to do something more meaningful with my life.

That brings me to today. I am engaged to the love of my life. I have an amazing step-daughter and a beautiful son. I’m writing this blog. I’ve got so many reasons to be happy, but I am still dealing with depression.

That’s where I am at now. I don’t have all the answers. But I’m starting to figure out why I feel the way I feel. That’s why I’m back in therapy. Here’s the core reasons why;

I feel like I’m a failure because I can’t fully support my family financially on my own.

I feel like it doesn’t matter how hard I work and how talented I am, my music career is stalled. And Jason Aldean has made millions?????

I feel like the world is designed to make me struggle. No matter how hard I work, and how much overtime and side-hustling I put in, the cost of living is so high, I’m barely getting by. Feels like I won’t ever get out of debt and be able to buy a bigger home for my family.

I feel like sobriety hasn’t paid off the way I hoped it would. While it’s only been just under two years, I thought I’d see more progress in my mental and physical health.

All I can do right now, is wake up every day hopeful that I can stay in a good head space. I never stop trying to make incremental changes in my life. This is a battle, and one that has almost made me tap out a few times. But i’m still here. And I know there are so many soldiers fighting the same fight with me. That’s why I show up on the battlefield every day. And I’m not going anywhere.