I chose sober because I wanted a better life. I stay sober because I got one. -Anonymous
I know this title is going to upset a lot of recovering alcoholics, but this is my truth. As of this writing, I have been alcohol free for 500 days. This is not my first abstinence from alcohol, but I have never been more certain it will be my last.
I grew up in a family (and a society for that matter) that highlighted alcohol use as a positive feature in life. It was a write of passage to have your first drink and to get drunk at family events. My parents bought my cousins and I alcohol for family events when we were as young as 13 years old. As a step-parent to a 13-year-old girl, I cannot fathom that decision.
When high school hit, all I cared about was the next Friday night. I was young, so hangovers were a lot easier to deal with and to keep a part time job at a Car Wash. Alcohol was my life, and I had my 18th birthday scheduled on the calendar as “The Best Day of my Life”. In Alberta, the legal drinking age is 18.
As an official adult, I could now go into any establishment and purchase booze any time I had the craving. I was already an alcoholic, but to me, I was just a normal Alberta boy.
I distinctly remember the first time I noticed I was addicted. I was living in a basement suite in Edmonton with my cousin. We had some leftover beer from our first weekend being out on our own. We were starting new jobs the next day, and I decided to have a beer while enjoying high speed internet for the first time in my life. After that beer was finished, I just had a craving for another one. I kept grabbing beer after beer until the case was empty.
Since that moment, once I had a drink, I would keep drinking until there was no alcohol available to me, or until I passed out. But once again, I felt like this was normal. Everybody I knew was like this.
Looking back, it’s no secret my inability to keep a job or do my best work in my studies was due to my alcoholism. I always had a great work ethic and I have always been smart enough to get by, but I was limiting my greatness.
In my mid-twenties, I started to really focus on other people’s relationships with alcohol. I’d see family members that were complete raging alcoholics that I would pin as the worst off. Then I would see friends and family members who were the picture perfect definition of moderate drinkers. I looked up to the raging alcoholics more.
I’d attempt doing a dry month here and there, even one time I nearly succeeded in the Joe Rogan Experience’s Sober October challenge, but cheated on the 29th. I’d have the odd day where I would just decide not to drink and feel really good about myself, only to completely make up for it the next night.
I knew I had a problem with alcohol, but as long as my life felt like it was manageable I wasn’t going to change a thing. I had a great job, I got promoted to a management position, I bought a house, had a new vehicle and I eventually got married. Then one night changed everything.
I don’t want to air dirty laundry here, and I may allude to how my marriage ended over time, but the long story short of it is my now ex-wife cheated on me on April 18, 2020. I blamed my drinking for her infidelity.
I decided the next day that I was quitting alcohol. Cold turkey. I started running. I moved downstairs in our house and my ex and I lived separately under the same roof. Then I told my boss that I was an alcoholic. I was sent home, and ordered to get help.
The company I worked for put me in a program for recovering alcoholics. Since this was during the Covid pandemic, these meetings were held over Skype. I had to attend two meetings per week and comply with the counsellor’s plan to stay employed.
I really enjoyed being able to talk about my alcoholism freely and without judgement. I felt a sense of community. This wasn’t fixing my marriage at all, but it was helping me fix myself.
I started reading self-help books, and listening to motivational podcasts while I was running. I was losing weight, feeling less depressed, finding motivation to better myself, and seeing the world in a new light.
I documented my journey and I am really happy I did.
Some may believe it was showing off to get clicks and engagement on social media, but it was really more for myself. I can look back on that time in my life and remember how I felt every time I accomplished a new goal. I raised money for the Movember foundation. I inspired others. I was saving myself.
During one meeting I got extremely discouraged with my counsellor. My family reunion was coming up, and I used to drink from arrival to departure during the weekend. My counsellor asked me what my plan was to not drink, and I said “by just not doing it.”
I was instructed that I needed a plan. Apparently my belief in myself to have the willpower was not enough. My ex-wife and I were no longer separated and trying to make our marriage work again, but nobody knew what had happened or what was happening in our relationship. I pinned my belief on the only way my marriage would work is if I stayed sober.
The weekend came and went, and I didn’t drink. I almost couldn’t wait to brag about it to my counsellor. I thought I’d be applauded, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Instead, my counsellor stated that I was going to relapse if I didn’t start attending meetings. If I refused she would report to my employer that I am not complying and I would lose everything.
I played the game. I attended meetings via Skype and I didn’t just sit there and listen, I participated.
It became clear to me that my marriage wasn’t going to work. Not because of my drinking, but because my new found self-love made me realize my ex-wife didn’t treat me right.
The next AA meeting I attended, one of the steps really bugged me.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives have become unmanageable.
Step one was a direct contradiction with what I had been learning from the Self-Help world. I am not powerless over alcohol. The only way alcohol can overtake me is if I let it. I am in control of what I do. I have my power.
Later in my life I found a list of affirmations to live by, and one of my favorites is “I WILL NOT BLAME ANYONE OR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. I WILL NOT GIVE MY POWER AWAY.”
Speaking of contradictions, you may be reading this and saying I am contradicting myself by saying once I start drinking, I cannot stop. That is true. Maybe that does mean I am powerless over alcohol when I use it. But I have the power to look at alcohol for what it is. Poison.
You may also notice that the timeline of my alcohol sobriety doesn’t line up, and you would be right.
After I informed my counsellor that I wasn’t going to attend meetings ever again, she reported that to my employers. They warned me that I would have another month to start complying or I would be fired. But once my marriage was over, I realized I wasn’t quitting for myself, but for the hopeful reason that it would save my marriage, I started drinking again.
I went right back to the bottle. I drank for another couple of years. I wanted to experience life on my own terms. But here’s the kicker, I do not regret it at all. It’s a huge part of who I am today. I had a lot of fun over the next couple of years while I went through the transformation that I did.
I reinvented myself in so many ways that I will explain later on. I went to battle with depression. I lost some, but I won some too. I have a pretty decent left hook.
Everything in my life changed for the better when I met my now fiancee. I was a much more confident human being at the time. I added a lot of skills and even spent almost a year without a day job playing music full-time. My fiancee came to one of my shows and that’s when we started dating.
We fell in love and I just loved everything a life with her had to offer. I bought a brand new truck, a first for me, and I got a really great day job that I still love. I was a high-functioning alcoholic with almost everything I had ever wanted, why would I stop?
Two particular comments hit me like a ton of bricks. My fiancee’s daughter, my now step-daughter, casually mentioned “That’s so many empty bottles of wine,” and my fiancee once said “It scares me that I can’t always rely on you.”
That was it. That was all I needed to hear. I wasn’t given an ultimatum. I wasn’t shamed for drinking too much. I was just faced with the fact that I didn’t want to be that guy. I was driving back home from my family reunion where I had spent the time drinking with family members from arrival to departure.
It just hit me. I was done. This time, it wasn’t anybody else’s choice. It was mine. Mine alone.
I didn’t need to go to meetings. I didn’t need to admit I was powerless. I already have the power within me. I willed myself to live a life without alcohol.
It was August 12, 2024. The day I took my last drink. The day my grandfather James Mervin Goodvin was born in 1930 is my sobriety day. That grandfather is my son’s namesake.
If I didn’t quit drinking, I wouldn’t have this amazing life I get to live. I go to work at a job I love and when I come home I am greeted by my gorgeous fiancee Tori, my goofy step-daughter Ava, my beautiful baby son Theo James, my two dogs Nixon and Phoebe and my two cats Kabsy and Kilo.
I am hopeful that writing this article will be an inspiration for others who are struggling with alcohol. I know that everybody’s journey is different, and if AA works for you, that’s amazing. However, if it doesn’t, just know that there is another way.
If you, or someone you know is looking for help, please reach out!
Nobody has ever gotten sober and regretted it.
Today I did something
I never thought I’d do
The choice, wasn’t easy
But I had to
All the years together
All those cold lonely nights
I never thought I’d be strong enough
To leave it all behind
Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.Well it won’t be easy
But it’s never easy
When you let down
The one you love
There’s someone at home
Who needs me
So I’m givin’ up
She always knew the truth
Never left my side
Man a love like that
Only comes once in a life
So today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mineMy hands were shakin’
And my knees were weak
As I poured my last shot
And I drank my last drink.
And I heard Freedom ring
When that bottle hit the floor
And I just walked away
Not needing any moreYeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.Yeah, today I said goodbye
To an old friend of mine.-“Old Friend Of Mine” performed by Joe Nichols. Written by Brock Stalvey and Rick Tiger
Leave a Reply