If you’ve delved into any self-help lore, you’ve probably heard the phrase that says you are an amalgamation of the five people who you spend the most time with. 

Basically, if you hang out with burn-outs, you’ll also be a burn-out. If you hang out with alcoholics, you’ll be an alcoholic. If you hang out with broke people, you’ll also be broke. 

Luckily, it works in the positive the same way it works with the negatives. 

If you hang out with gym rats, you’ll be a gym rat. If you hang out with health nuts, you’ll become a health nut. If you hang out with millionaires, you’ll become a millionaire. 

“You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” -Jim Rohn, Motivational Speaker

I remember the first time I had heard about this phenomenon and I took inventory on the five closest people to me and then studied how these people aligned with my goals. 

At that time, I was recently divorced, and living with my cousin and his now wife and kids. One of my best friends lived in the area, but he was a workaholic. Then the people I spent the most time with were my co workers. 

WORKPLACE

This is why your workplace is crucial. At that time, I was working a menial warehouse job making a meek $20 an hour. It was fine for the time being, because I wasn’t looking for a career job at the time, just something I could do with my brain off. 

I wanted to develop something along the lines of what I’m doing now with Nobody Is Gonna Save You. I wasn’t looking for my next career. I needed a job where I could just show up, do the simple work, and go home without wasting too much energy.

The concerning thing was the fact that there were people in their late 40’s and early 50’s working the same job. During the water cooler conversation I was able to see that these people had no drive in life. They were stuck in the rat race, working their job, going home to watch television, eat fast food and drink a few beers. No goals. No joy. And they had accepted that fate. I quit the next day. 

At another point in my life, I wanted to learn some new skills. A friend of mine I had made through the gym I worked out at, offered me a job building fences with him. I had a little knowledge with some carpentry experience, but I was pretty green.

I took on that challenge because I wanted to grow my skill set. I absolutely loved fencing. I learned how to dig holes. I learned how to locate lines. I learned how to line up a fence line. I learned how to mix and pour concrete. From beginning to end, I can now confidently build a wood fence.

My boss was a friend, but he was also a guy I knew I could learn a lot from. I made a mistake early on, and I wasn’t ridiculed for it. He let me make the mistake and allowed me to learn from it.

We all have to work. Sometimes we have to take a job that we don’t necessarily want just to provide for our families and ourselves. That’s reality.

However, if you feel like that job is wearing you thin, it’s time to take action. I think of people working part-time jobs at places like Starbucks, and how Starbucks employees always have a smile on their faces.

I may be wrong, but they are usually people who are working while pursuing their dreams. If they can stay positive in their “have to for now” jobs, they will be successful when they get their “dream job” jobs!

I am currently in a situation where I have a job that is perfect for me right now. But there are some issues, because some of my co-workers and supervisors are the kind of people I don’t want to be around.

It’s nothing personal, but I distance myself from the co-workers who don’t bring me up or deserve my respect.

SOCIAL LIFE

When I made the shift into putting a focus on my physical shape, I realized a lot of the people I was spending the most time with weren’t those kind of people. I had to surround myself with people who had similar interests. That’s why I joined the Orange Theory Gym. 

For that two to three year period in my life I wanted to be around people who worked out, had skill, and enjoyed partying. I found a lot of people in that tribe. 

Now, my life is different. I still have the skills and attributes from those different periods in my life, but my priorities have changed. 

Today, I am a family man. I’m sober. I’m a writer. So, I try to spend my time with others just like so. I can most definitely do more to immerse myself around like minded individuals, and that’s on my agenda. 

If you are not where you want to be in life, you can improve so much just by grabbing a piece of paper. Do it now.

Write down the five people you spend the most time with. Then write down a few quality traits those people have. If those traits align with how you want to be, then they should be a big part of your life, and if not, you need to distance yourself from them. 

For a lot of us, that statement can be kind of tricky. It may mean distancing yourself from a family member or a lifelong friend. You don’t need to cut them out of your life completely, you just have to set a boundary with them. 

I have a lot of friends I have distanced myself from because they don’t have the same drive in life as I do. I’ve distanced myself from family members because I didn’t find myself to be as authentic around them. I still love them all, but I have others I need to spend my time with. 

SPOUSE

It’s another reason why choosing your spouse is so critical. My ex-wife brought me down all the time. I can’t blame her for every reason, we obviously had different interests in life. We were doomed to fail because she wanted to live a rural lifestyle and I didn’t. So when I didn’t level up to that type of lifestyle she ridiculed me. When I set boundaries with her, she reacted negatively toward me. 

When I was ready to start dating again after my divorce, I wrote a list of qualities and traits I was looking for in a partner. Some of the things I wrote down felt silly to write on paper, but it was a proven-to-work exercise, and I didn’t want to die alone, so I wrote them down.

When I started dating my fiancée Tori, she was everything I was looking for. And when I say I was specific on my “future spouse list”, I was very specific. I even wrote down I wanted to find my Jessica Day (Character portrayed by Zooey Deschanel on the hit TV show New Girl). Nailed it! They even kind of look the same! (Insert Tori spraying me with a water bottle like a cat that is digging in a plant.)

Today, my fiancée brings out the best in me. She encourages my dreams. She appreciates me. I bring out the best in her. I encourage her to be her quirky self. I appreciate her. We make each other feel safe. 

Your spouse is the person you spend the most time with, so don’t settle for anything less than what you want. If you’re single and ready to find your person, write down in very specific details what you want in a partner. You’d be shocked at how the universe has a way of bringing what you want into your life.

Nobody is gonna save you, but the people around you can help shape you into the person you want to be.